Mark & Bevan *Married*

 It's been quite a while since I have made a post here. A lot of life has happened and I am not in a place to share too much right now. But I will share these unedited pictures because I have yet to get an editing software yet, but I am hoping to start up my photography company again soon!

So, I will share these sweet pictures I took of my boys at Myrtle Beach last April.

But as I do, I have a question I want to ask. Have you ever heard a song and immediately have this image of what this song is saying and come to tears? Yep, this is definitely me. I first heard the song called, "Rise Up" by Andra Day,  in a kids movie & immediately started crying. 

The idea that I was broken down & tired felt so real to me. But I was learning how to fight for myself. I have been hidden for so many years and I couldn't find the fighter in me. But when I heard this song, along with everything I was learning, I decided to "walk it out".  And I rose. I was still afraid, but I rose. I have hit the ground time and again, but each time, I've gotten back up. 

I took the boys to the beach and it was quiet. A different kind of quiet. A special kind of quiet.  I could hear the sweet boys' giggles as they splashed in the water right in front of me. <3 <3 

I could hear them talking as they were digging in the sand. I could hear the birds first thing in the morning as the sun was rising. The ocean sound is a beautiful and most relaxing sound to me. The feel of the fresh air on my face, the sand on my feet, the salty flavor in my mouth, and the little foot prints my kids left as we walked down the beach was the most breath taking time I have had in years. The baby & I would take naps in our tent in the middle of the day while the older ones would watch a movie. At night, we'd fall asleep to the palm trees blowing in the wind & the ocean waves crashing on the shore.

I cannot describe how that time, and some time with a special friend as well as being able to pray & journal while my boys played in the sand (journaling is not something that comes easy, especially when I am too exhausted after the kids are in bed and, if you have littles, you know that journaling when kids are awake can turn into a nightmare ;) ) was much needed to be able to clear my head.

 But the thing about the silence is this. Sometimes that silence isn't so quiet after all. Have you ever had  a day to yourself if you have kiddos and just don't know what to do with your thoughts? For me, my thoughts, self care, my basic needs had been put on hold until after the kids were taken care of. And by the time they were take care of, I had nothing left for me. No energy for showers or baths. I'd fall asleep in the bath & was afraid of drowning, so when people would tell me, "you need to take care of you! Take a bath after the kids go to sleep!" You must understand. There was NOTHING left to give myself, which in turn kept me from giving to my kids the way I wanted and they needed. Thankful for God's grace every day. But this vacation trip was a wake up for me. My boys needed a momma who thought of herself as important enough to take care of herself. If all I ever did was give to my kids without pouring into myself, they could grow up selfish and expect/demand their needs be met exactly when they want in. To be honest, we are still working on that one, but little by little, I can see them growing more patient & understanding that they are not the only human in the world that needs mom's attention at the exact time, and taking turns is the best way to get their little needs met. They are also learning that sometimes momma just needs to take a breather & if mom says, "I need a minute/nap to myself to take a deep breath so I can be a better momma." they seem to start  understanding that momma cannot meet everyone's needs at once nor can I do it if I'm overly stressed. So giving me a minute to myself is what momma need to be able to meet them (the youngest is too little to understand this, but if I'm being honest, the healthier I become, the more they will understand this & be able to have empathy for people who are in this position).

This post is getting to be deeper than I anticipated, but this time of my life was very very dark & hardly anyone around me knew it. On the outside, I was always smiling. If they asked how I was doing, I would respond with , "Great!", "Pretty good." , or "Exhausted!" But when they responded with, "Well, of course! You have 3 littles are are pregnant with your 4th!", it was hard for me to think past that. 

Taking the trip to the beach was a breath of fresh air. That was me taking a step in the right direction to take care of my needs so that I could keep going forward as a momma to 4 small children with unending energy. 

My goodness friends, if you are reading this and your littles are all grown up, it's a little late for this advice, but hopefully it will be validation that you were doing the best you could with what you had/ what you knew. We are fed with what I believe is a lie that we must do everything for everyone else and not need to take care of ourselves. 

If you have littles at home still, please take time to do what you need. Start learning how to express yourself & to voice what YOUR needs are. I'm one to talk. I'm awful at asking for help. I'm still working on feeling worth someone stepping outside of their own families to help me with mine when I am in desperate need. But I'm going in that direction. At least now I have been able to text my group of friends and ask for prayers when I am feeling very drained and low. I cannot explain how often God has blessed me and met me in those moments & it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't reached out!! This life is not meant to be lived on your own! Your struggles, whatever they may be, are not meant to be carried by yourself! The weight that I have felt lifted off my shoulders is so freeing! I still feel an immense amount of weight, but I am no longer feeling so weighed down because I do not walk this life alone. We are created for connection. We are created for friendships. We are not created to tackle everything life has to offer on your own. So if you are feeling stuck right now, reach out to me or anyone you can trust. 

You know that saying we tell kids, "if someone is hurting you, tell an adult. If they don't listen, find another adult! Don't stop telling until someone listens to you!" (well, maybe that is my own paraphrase of what I am telling my boys because I know how important this is!!)? Don't stop reaching out if someone doesn't listen to you! I truly believe that a lot of people will not listen or want to help, you may even lose friends/family along the way. But don't give up because that percentage of people could not help you. Keep seeking for help. God will meet you where you are and will bring the right people into your life to help you keep moving forward! If you are reading this with 100% doubt, I was there not that long ago. But I can see it now!!! Take that step! One step at a time!

All this to say, if you have read this far, I am rooting for you! You are special. You are valuable. You are important. You are precious. You matter. You are worth taking time to heal. You are worth taking time to care for yourself so that you can keep giving. You are worth it!! Soooo sooo worth it!

Have a great day friends!!! I know I'll be tired today cause I've been up all night sick. So, I thought I would write this since it was on my mind & I couldn't sleep through the sickness.